Suicide | You Decide
If not for the love and grace of God I would be dead today--->Diosa
"Youuuu, you have a big nose dread..." said the stranger to me, as he passed by the vehicle my son and I were in waiting for my husband to finish his shift at work. He wore the uniform my husband wears, so my first thought was to ask Kavan who he was.
This man had no front teeth, gums ablaze...shoot he reminded me of Malik a well-known character on the soca scene here in Barbados. He sure was not as cool as Malik though, and I do not think Malik would go around the place insulting women just for the hell of it. Then again, I do not know Malik personally, so let me not make such a statement. *pretend that I deleted the line about Malik*
I told Kavan about the encounter immediately upon reaching the vehicle. He told me he knew who the guy was and not to be concerned with him, so I dropped it....well, until I heard the words ringing in my ears..."Youuuuuu, you have a big nose dread...." It stuck on that one line like a scratched record, and the more it played in my mind's eye, the more upset I became.
Grace went through the door, forgiveness was passed the horizon out of sight. I blurted out of my hurt and shame..."My nose I can do something about once I give birth, but your ugly is with you for life" ba-dum-dum-ching! You see, I was pregnant with Liam, so my face took on that lovely swollen look just before the baby is due. For this, and many other reasons, I was making no plans to take pregnancy photos to share with the world...I was feeling too 'pop down' for that. My clothes didn't fit, and finances were too tight in preparation for baby to binge on any maternity dibs...
Kavan surprised me with two new dresses and a top that I could wear over the belly and still wear long after baby was born...I felt loved, but in this one moment all this love went through the door, my nose was big!
What does this have to do with suicide you maybe asking yourself by now, A LOT! As a child I battled with suicide, and by God's grace I am still alive. From as young as 5 years old I made many attempts to kill myself. One day in particular that is etched in my memory for life, was the day I tied a rope around my neck and hung myself in the closet. Out of no where my mom came in the room and dragged me, the rope and the nail it hung on off the wall and she frantically threw me in front of my grandmother to be judged.
"Could you believe what this child was in the room doing?" she asked my grandmother, (her mother), with a voice that dripped with fear, anger, sadness and depression all rolled into one. It was the talk of my family for about a week. My grandmother called my uncle in New York and told him the story, only God knows who else heard the story at that time.
You see in my mind, I thought I was honestly doing everyone a favor. If I killed myself, then my mother would have more money for the things she loved. My granny would not be so mad at my mom for not being at home with me. My aunt would not have to worry about me and be upset with my mother either. I loved my mother so much, I desperately wanted to ease her pain of having me around to mess things up.
I looked at my presence as a burden and not a blessing. I did not know what it felt like to be a blessing to anyone. My father left the island when I was 2 years old and my mother had the burden of raising me on her own. My grandmother and aunt did all they could to make sure I had what my mother was unable to give me, but they always made it known how difficult it was for them to do so. My family members all lived in the same house, a small NHC (National Housing Corporation) unit with two bedrooms for 3 adults and me.
It just made sense!
So, I failed at that attempt, but there were many more after that. I tried to kill myself again with a knife on two occasions and then I tried the rope thing again when I was alone...again...I am still here! I am aware of how many people tried once and succeeded, causing great depression for those closest to them. It is the question of "why" that hurts. Why did the person do it, why were they not able to be strong enough to deal with the issues they faced, Why, Why, Why! For the victim, I can tell you there is a physical pain that grips and tugs in a place I do not think psychologists have a name for as yet. They call this feeling depression, and prescribe anti-depressants to help the person balance their hormones and chemical reactions in the brain.
How does depression work? What triggers depression? How would I know when I am depressed and not just moody? Does my depression cause others to walk on eggshells around me? Study the brain all you want, keep trying to answer that why and hopefully you can say you have a cure for depression. I can only tell you the answer to the why I am STILL here, after all my failed tries...my life is not my own. I did not ask to be here, and I can't say when I will leave.
When I learned about God as a child, I called that "Old people thing"...that when someone reaches a certain age they would go to church all the time to make sure they are right with God. This was not for young people at all, and certainly not for me.
Well...I was wrong
Trying to fight against the will of God, is like fighting a tsunami. When I was seemingly going to die, someone always showed up and BOOM...I lived! Another experience was a deep depression I fell into while I was living abroad. One night I said "that's it, I can't take this anymore, this is it, I am going" took a knife in my hand and this warm feeling came all over my body. To this day I am unsure of what it was. I was unable to move. I saw the room I was in, I saw the knife and I could not move. This feeling just kept getting warmer and warmer and It held me there until I fell asleep.
When I woke up the next morning, I got a strange call from my father who lived in New York. I did not hear him in years, and I was overseas, so how he got my number I did not know, neither did I remember to ask. All I remember thinking was, if I died last night I would have missed the call, he would have missed me. Would he have "missed" me though? That is another story, but that call brought healing to my broken soul.
He told me he saw my mother in a dream who sternly told him to call me. He could not say no and the dream haunted him for days. So he did. I do not believe in duppy tales, but my mother died in 1999, and this occurred in 2008. She is still in some form, dragging me off walls like she did that day when I was a child. So yes, I know now I am blessed. Not because others made me feel like I am a blessing, but because the life I live today is indeed a blessed one.
Remember the guy who told me my nose way big? This would have sent me spiraling down that dark hole of depression. Any random thing could spark my disgust for myself and that feeling of life being better without me being here would arise inside me. I always felt I was weak and ugly...a big head, big nose and no hips. I would compare myself to every woman I saw, and always think they were better than me. I never saw my value and never thought I was valuable.
Sure enough, if this guy would have said this to me back before I encountered God, I would have emphatically agreed with him, then run and hide under my pillow. But I am no longer in that place.
Some will succeed in their attempts to commit suicide, and others will not. We will always try to understand the "why" while those that know the answer try to eradicate that pain in the place we can't reach.
I lived to see the birth of two wonderful sons. I married two awesome men, who taught me lessons in life and death. I got a double portion of forgiveness that I can do nothing else with but share with others who need it and would allow me to. My life belongs to the creator, my Saviour Jesus Christ who died for the sins of all, and rose again so I would have more life, even when I tried to lose it.
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